We are all terrible at things we don’t know how to do. I think of a new baby starting to walk, tottering over, holding onto what is around her. Falling over and over, hurting herself, crying. Giving up and then starting over. 

This is me and my relationship with friendship.  Not with friends.  I’m actually a decent friend.  I will be there for you when you need me. Offer to watch kids and then do the most with them.  I will dry your tears, hate your husband with you then love your husband with you.  I can listen to your past without judgement and do my best to encourage you to be the best you can be.

But friendship and the idea of what it really is, and how to navigate it on a deep level…terrible.  I’m the almost toddler, falling down, crying and sometimes refusing to get back up. 

Friendship for women in particular is complex. It is more than hair and makeup and rom coms.  It’s an intrinsic need in the depths of our souls to feel like somebody in this world, even if one person truly understands me, and I understand them.  Women friendships are meant so that we don’t feel alone, but mostly so we don’t feel crazy. 

We have situational friendships for a majority of our lives, not realizing what they are until we are out of high school.  The friend from middle school who you spent every moment with becomes someone you hug in the hall in high school because you don’t have classes together this year.  But in your head, we are still friends and always will be. 

After high school, you grow this way, they grow that way. You sit in your room flipping through a magazine wondering how it happened you haven’t talked to her in 2 years after you couldn’t imagine being away from each one for 2 minutes. 

Then there is college, and babies and husbands and ex husbands. And you get older and how do we make friends is the question?  Again, mostly situationally. The mommy from playgroup, the family from church, the parents from sports activities. We share the same time and space so we gravitate and make friends. But then sports stops and there is no more playgroup. Our circumstances change and suddenly, we are faced yet again, 10, 15, 20 years later with how do we make friends? 

At 47 I’m less interested in making new, shiny friends (not that I”m opposed to it) and more interested in refining and deepening the ones that I have.  This is where it gets sticky. Because what is too much? How do we set the boundaries or loosen them?   What is the expectations? How do we fit into the fullness of each others lives ? Especially if we have spouses and families? What is offensive and what is allowed? How much can I trust? 

When watching tv shows or movies I often find myself in awe when friends on the screen get in arguments and storm out and then reunite later. I’m not sure I’ve done that much with my friends.  

Mostly I find that women are quick to cut each other off if we get too pissed, or rather hurt.  I know in my past I have rather abandon a relationship than push through and try and figure out what is wrong with it. I’m doing that with my husband and with my kids and my parents, I haven’t wanted to do that with my friends. 

But friendship heartbreak is an entire other subject matter, and one that women don’t talk about enough.  It happens more than we dare to admit, and we don’t manage it well, and often time don’t heal from it for years, or ever. 

The uniqueness of our relationships with other women can only be fleshed out in the longterm. Both my grandmother and my mother have masterfully navigated friendships their entire lives.  My grandmother had women that were her ride or dies—literally.  With macular degeneration and a stripped drivers license, they were determined to get in that car and drive to “the” Walmart.  And that they did in their 80s.  My mom has had friends in her life for over 40 years. Still connected, lunching. If I invited 100 people to a party for my mom 100 people would show up. 

Are those relationships deep or just wide? How deep is necessary to satisfy our hunger for belonging ? How many friends should we have? Can we put them in the proper categories and then engage appropriately? How do we discern the playground friendships from the tree trunk ones?

The only answer I can come up with is: Only time will tell.  Like anything else, it takes patience, and slowing down and listening.  Not just over a bottle of wine, but to the sounds that aren’t made in the ebbs and flows of shared space and time. 

If it is important for us to know, we must be intentional with our energy and our time, even if we have had 5 toddlers and two exes and a partridge in a pear tree. 

I can only say if it isn’t important, it should be.  Finding our forever friends is just as important as finding our soulmate…or perhaps our real soulmates are our girlfriends who are the ones who are long withstanding, cheering you on as you get up from the floor, grab hold of the chair and dare take another step.